Another One

Lately, I’ve been thinking a little more about my life calling. I think in the past year or so, I’ve begun to internalize that I do have a lot of control over what I do, less so who I am. For what I do, I think I'm more confident that it will be something that I could in fact do, irrespective of where I am right now. I think this realization was the product of seeing others exercise a lot of agency over their futures, in ways that perhaps seemed obvious, or valid, but also seemed brave, and worthwhile. While I’m tempted to disagree, I don’t think this realization was delayed either. Being an adult and reconciling that, especially in the internet age, means I realized we have a newfound ability to reconcile what’s possible and have new means to get the resources to act on what we want to make possible, and switch course if we don’t like what we settle upon. While the means to doing so may be more forgiving; it doesn't change the fact that its importance persists.

For reasons I’m still trying to figure out, I do think asceticism is to some degree a virtue. For reasons I accept, I’m also pretty spiritual. These traits do give me some sense of peace when I realize that everything beyond the present is out of my control. It gives me some confusion when I mull over the fact that it’s an expectation that we (my friends and I) make something of ourselves. It gives me something to deliberate on when I think about the fact that this decreasingly crosses my mind. Today, I think about my mortality much more: In response, I read more things that help me cope with the anxiety it brings. Speaking as if I’m wise, but not embodying someone who is, I recognize that this anxiety means that I’m afraid of losing something I’ve begun to cherish. Day-to-day I live a life that I think I’m much more fulfilled by, but that maybe runs the risk of my future self feeling less so. I accept that and think that it’s good I make this tradeoff.

It felt like they were aptly removed from expectation, and valued the sanctity of their lives or life as a whole, so much so that it was worth actively trying to figure things out. I recognize the resources that it takes to press pause and question this at all. This is maybe a convoluted way to say that I think more people should take the chance to step back and reconsider when they feel like it, assuming they're able to do so. We shouldn’t expect that the right to do so will be granted — it’s mostly up to you. I think if you can prove to yourself that this will be done with principle, there’s much to gain. I think the past few months are ones that I’ve labelled in terms of experience, and projects, but in reality, were an attempt to live. I think I’ve tried and haven’t failed. I think that more people should work to buy themselves this chance, even if earning what I believe can be bought might be a time of at least some sacrifice.

I think a sabbatical or whatever you want to call it is a nice term, but even if we’ve been called to always be doing something, to work hard (which I think we should), this is independent of being somewhere where people are known to work hard. I think above all, it’s very easy to lie to yourself (as others have said more originally than me), and it’s much harder to evade the truth when you speak in precision. I think we owe it to ourselves to at the very least, really try and articulate what we wish for and surrender to the fact that goodness or whatever you seek will never be something you can define: the effort is worth it regardless.

I think that if you are in circles chasing “erudition,” or whatever, you might feel like you’re existentialism is quieted by the busyness. I think this is all-consuming and scary when you realize that the flavor of busyness takes away your days in inconspicuous ways. Much of this is inspired by C.S. Lewis’ Learning in Wartime. I’ll have to do a closer read but if I’m not mistaken from what I gather: conflict is as perennial as peace, and while reason and scholarship are privilege, they're innate to being human, and even in times of national obligation, inscription, and so on; it's the basis of dignity we should strive to keep.

To that end, in the more serious vein of today’s post, I’ll end by saying: May we lead meaningful lives. I hope we figure out what that ought to be, and place trust in the fact that it’s worthy of rumination.